Dear Mister Chan

First ov ol ai apologize my English, wich is not very gud, but ai houp you apologize me. Ai has always admired your activity as a great actor that you are. Ai remember films as Jackie Chan and The Ninjas, Jackie Chan and the Ninjas 2, and also Jackie Chan returns. Your way ov acting has for ever emprooved the cinematography, if may ai say so. You fight like a taigăr and uen you lift your foot in order to brake an enemie's neck, you remind me ov an historical film ai made uen ai uaz an young director, Michael the Mighty. Ai only wish Amza Pellea could fight like that. But no, he only concentrated on the lines.

Ai always thougt zeat an historical film iz better than an civilian oan. But nau ai hărd that an young shity director called Mungiu Cristian has won the Palm D'or at the Cann. Ai am not gelos, mister Chan, but as yu said in Jackie Chan returns, "fuck, it's not fair", hau the fuk did zis mucos kid win this prize over me, wich ai em so good looking and ai got laied many many times like Antony Queen. Ai olso did the Ringul film.

When ai read the script ov Mungiu ai said it's a bad script. It was about some bitch trying to have an avortion during the Ceausescu era. Strangely, ai never thought ov making Mrs Chiajna loose a pregnancy. Avortions don't make history, mr. Chan. So ai said to Mungiu go home, no money for the budget. Ai am the big decider, you know.

So, next year mr. Chan, you and ai will win the Cann! Ai uant you to be the star of Michale the Mighty Returns, my newest film. It will be you against all negative characters of our history: Baiazid, Sinan Paşa, Han Tătar, Mahomed and The Wolf. Just imagine zis battle field! All za bed guys spitting and cursing and threatening everybody and then yu appear... music... tan taaaan! You jump off the Murgu and land in şpagata. Poc poc poc! Cut! Poc poc poc take two! And you make all the karate skeme yu know and defeat the bad guys.

Ai wait for yu tu sign the contract, ai will also pay back your train tickets.

Yours sincerely Sergiu Nicolaescu
Director and living legend
PS: Do you do TVA?